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The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.