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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!