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Your personality needs alcohol.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.