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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?