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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
My pants are 75% off.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?