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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner