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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.