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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong