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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!