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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.