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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying