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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.