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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.