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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"