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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?