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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.