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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?