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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.