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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.