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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode