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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.