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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.