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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson