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*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...