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I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.