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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Honk if you are reading this.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.