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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them