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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.