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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.