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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.