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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.