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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.