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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`