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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.