Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.