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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude