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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?