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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..