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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?