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Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.