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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?