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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.