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Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?