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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”