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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But Iām skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.