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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.