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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.