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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!