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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.