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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.