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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?