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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”