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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
Smelling another person should be a choice.