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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.