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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
life is too short to match socks
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.