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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.