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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
My number was 0...
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.