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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"