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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.