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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.