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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.