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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.