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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!