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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360