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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."