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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.